I Dream of Zombies: How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse in Style

What you need to survive an onslaught from the undead. 
Sunday 21 October 2018
Here's how to escape these grisly hands. Photo: iStock

Every single post-apocalyptic film that you watch from Mad Max to Z nation, depicts a very depressing vision of the world. Granted a lot of people may have died, and nobody has money, or its use has become irrelevant, but why is disaster survival and looking good mutually exclusive? We need only look at the example set by Daenerys Targaryen to know that it is possible to ride dragons, fight zombies and still have perfectly bleached hair.

Now we all save/invest/insure our lives in the event of our deaths, so why not save/invest/insure our lives should there be a Zombie outbreak? (All ye Banks take note of new product offering to market). Given our society’s predilection for experimenting with mutated diseases, I feel that out of all the paranoid catastrophes that could strike (from sharknadoes to rabid pterodactyls), a mutated disease that drives us towards cannibalism and unthinking random behaviour is the most likely of unlikelies.

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What a bunch of braindead chumps. Photo: Getty Images

Let’s face it, society already behaves like they don’t have a brain for the most part, from Arab springs to going postal in high schools, middle aged men who think it’s okay to marry an 11 year old, it seems that violence is just a hairy trigger away plus human flesh, is in any case, the missing protein source in any Keto or high protein diet, and there are scores of societies who have that heritage.

Not least, Generation Z has just been born – ever wondered what the Z could stand for? Witness the proliferation of devices on the market extolling the virtues of social media, that have already turned us into the living dead feeding off likes and validation. Generation Z is Generation Zombie!

There are already millionaire apocalypse bunkers on the market, but these are mainly underground, and I don’t really fancy living with the rats, cockroaches, worms and other corpses who live in our soil. Thus I dreamed up my own couture Zombie Proof Plan. Stage by stage, these are the things I felt I need to acquire to survive and survive in style.

1. Buy an Island

Zombies can’t swim apparently, so a body of water separating my body from theirs is ideal. The climate should be mild temperate, with no extremes, so my skin care regime can be pared down. A temperate climate also means I can grow any manner of organic plant life from avocadoes, potatoes and Arborio rice. On the market right now, is an idyllic location just off the coast of Argentina, where I can grab myself a freehold private island for US$2.75mil with 1730 acres of land, 500km southwest of Buenos Aires, complete with a private 1.2km landing strip (the kind for planes and not a Brazillian wax shape).

I need to actually start saving for that now, allowing me at least some time to grow crops and send designers, architects, irrigation specialists, and anything I need to establish a small country ahead of my arrival and the impending doom of mankind. Whilst it’s all easy enough when you are playing theories as Mayor of Sim City, the practical and logistical aspects of such an endeavour will take between 2 to 5 years. Saving for it is another matter. Perhaps I will rig a lottery or two.

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These will keep all manner of undesirables out. Photo: iStock

2. Secure the Homebase

There is no point building my ideal country, if I can’t get there in one piece. And like Noah, I am conscious of developing a balanced future so whom I should pick to join me on my epic journey is critical, but that is a philosophical debate I will leave for my conclusion. For now, the priority, are the more practical matters, if indeed you can call luxe zombie-proofing my life at all a practical matter. I will need enough money to zombie proof my house and those of friends, families and people I feel will contribute towards improving our gene pool.

Each home will be equipped with artfully designed thick security shutters that will keep out salesmen and zombies when the world is on global alert. Barbed wire fences will also magically appear from under the ground, and can disappear or reappear at a touch of a button. An electric generator and a mini windmill at the back to generate aforesaid electricity are necessary to create our supply until the cavalry arrives.

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There’s no other way to get around during a zombie apocalypse. Photo: Mercedes-Benz

3. Transport and Communications

After the shutters are down, and everyone is safely ensconced in their home, they will use the satellite phones I have bought them to report through their sit rep so that my team of SAS trained guards can come and exfil them from their homes. They will be hard to miss as they swoop down in their Moncler designed camouflage uniforms.

My platoon of warriors will then come and fetch each family and ferry them to the airport in my custom designed fleet of Mercedes Benz G63’s AMG 6×6. Pumping out 536 horsepower, this baby will be pimped out to the max, and reassuringly mean, to run over any Zombie or unwanted guest with its barbed wire wrapped rims. I gave a lot of thought to the securest vehicle possible, and here German precision and durability remains King. Or Kaiser. The Valentino Rock Stud sneakers in camo for ladies and the NIKE X TRAVIS SCOTT AIR FORCE 1 “SAIL” for men are supplied so that they may elegantly sprint between car to plane, avoiding a zombie or two. For there is nothing like emulating James Bond’s sartorial splendour and taste when in action mode.

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Can’t forget the jet now, can we? Photo: iStock

At the airport, my Airbus A350 wide bodied jet will be fuelled and ready to whisk them to my private island. Fuel will of course be something worth killing for amongst non-zombie consumers at that point (at the moment, it remains a government to government thing only), but I would have resolved that issue by my purchase of lifetime supplies of tankers, which I can weirdly buy off Alibaba.

Once they have safely reached my island, then the mission of living life well in security and comfort begins. However, everyone will have to live with the fact that life on the island, will be Vegan one day, simply because I did not have the headspace to budget for livestock, beyond what is already available on the island. Since there was no time to pack, all arrivals will find in their Elfa Platinum Closet system, a wardrobe filled with timeless classics to make their survival less trend dictated and impervious to wardrobe crises of any kind.

However it is the choice of who I decide to bring along to repopulate possibly the world is the conundrum. There is no running away from rescuing immediate family, since blood is the tie that binds, and guilt is a powerful emotion. But with divorce prevalent in most families, the moral question is do we also bring along the exes and all the baggage (real and emotional) that it will involve? Should we deprive children of one parent during a Zombie apocalypse? The politically correct thing to do of course is to establish an ex-colony on the other side of the island, give them all the comforts of our own side of the island, and hope to God they don’t reproduce amongst themselves.

Finally, people often ask what is it that motivates me to work so hard, to achieve, and I smile and say to support the life I love and the people in it. However I realise, my purpose is bigger than that. I need to take care of them in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse. It will be no easy task, but nothing worth doing is ever easy. And as listed below, it is not cheap either. Especially if part of the mission means that I need to stock up on decent underwear from Calvin Klein and La Perla for everybody, since there is nothing more horrifying than underwear that has lost its elastic and brassieres that can no longer be supportive. But this too, I shall overcome.

Herein please find the costs to Zombie Proof your life and still it keep it pretty and luxe. I end this article with the feeling of deep shame, as I realise that even in the face of annihilation, how deeply shallow I can be.

The Cost of Creature Comforts in a Zombie Apocalypse

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The ideal place to get away from them all. Photo: iStock

The Ranch in Argentina
Price: US$2.75 million

Freehold private island for US$2.75 million. Included in the property are external staff quarters, a utility shed and a mainland house with a jetty to ensure best access to the island multiple ways to access island. Mainly used for private gaming therefore lots of livestock available and fishing as an alternative food source.

Automobiles Mercedes-Benz G63 Amg 6×6
Price: US$778,250

A survivor is only as good as his car. Model is based off the military version so it works more like a tank than an actual car. 6 wheels built for any terrain including running over zombies. Packed with a twin-turbocharged 5.5litre AMG V8 motor pumping out 536 horsepower with a total weight of 3.85 tonnes making sure that any zombies you knock down, stay down. High ground clearance of almost 2.30 metres so you know that any zombies you run over won’t get caught in between your tires. Can go up to 280 km/h. Stable tilting up to 45 degrees perfect for escaping up mountains and hills away from ravenous flesh-eating ghouls. Add a grille guard to front and back bumpers for approximately US$1,950 each for added strength when plowing through sea of zombies. Install night vision camera in the car for US$193 to detect unseen zombies in the dark.

The Plane! The Plane!
Price: US$366 million

The latest generation Rolls-Royce Trent XWB engines are quieter and more efficient won’t attract any zombies when you’re making your escape. The A350-900 accommodates 325 passengers perfect for gathering all your family, friends and their grandparents for your great escape, and it’s a steal at US$366 million not including hangar rental.

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Your personal security detail will have your back. Photo: iStock

Personal Bodyguards
Price: US$85 to US$125/hour

Bodyguards the ultimate symbol of status and power for elites. Escape in style with a group of personal bodyguards watching your every move and shielding you from zombie surprise attacks. The average price for the bodyguard service is US$85 an hour (without weapons) and an armed bodyguard is US$125 an hour. They are incredibly trained to detect any risks and perform well in high-risk environments so they are perfect in a zombie apocalypse to get the job done. Most of them will have military background so they can teach you a thing or two on how to survive and defend yourself. Money might not mean anything when the world is being run by zombies so more than anything, make sure they are loyal to you. Hmm, might need to invest in cyborgs like the Van Damme Unisol which could set me back at least another billion dollars.

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Fill ‘er up! Photo: iStock

Price: Around US$19,840 to US$81,346

Seng Ann Company Existing fleet comprises various 45,000 litre, 39,000 litre, 33,000 litre, 31,000 litre, 28,800 litre, 16,200 litre and 10,800 litre road tankers. To fill up an A350-1000 you will need US$84,720 worth. Alibaba offers many tankers for different storage such as fuel, crude oil and water.

Security Shutters
Price: US$2663/100sq ft

SKB Shutters residential security shutters, security staircase shutters solid curtain (non-see through). Standard base value is US$2663/100 sq ft. Made out of super strong electro-galvanised material. Model F38 solid curtain (non-see-through) most popular among residents, heavy duty design–zincalume steel and powder coated. Model Vision-7 transparent shutters (used in banks) slightly cheaper US$2179/100 sq ft.

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You’ll be safe and sound underground. Photo: Silohome

Custom Luxury Bunker
Price: Up to US$21.8 million

Escape to your very own luxury bunker, custom built by silohome.com. Silohome renovated and transformed a Cold War Intercontinental Ballistic Missile Silo into a luxury home and underground bunker with a private airstrip – pilot your own A350-900 plane there.

The Atlas F Silo provides the ultimate level of security and privacy. Above-ground home is 2,000 sq ft. But if you do use the keypad entry to the basement, you’ll find 2,300 more sq ft. Converted with dining and entertainment space, two bedroom suites – complete with marble bathrooms. It has 10-foot tall ceilings, simulated daylight and an open floor plan. Facing the mountains – the perfect location for hunting game and going kayaking. It can cost up to US$21.8 million to fully build, start investing now.

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This satellite phone might just be your lifeline. Photo: Immarsat

Satellite Phone Inmarsat IsatPhone 2
Price: US$624 8 hours talk time/160 hours standby

GPS tracking button. Durability: Dust, shock and splash-resistant. Operating temperatures -20°C to 55°C. Supports voice and text messaging. Coverage: Global (minus Poles). Network: 3 Geostationary satellites. Iridium Extreme might be the best choice as it is the smallest and most lightweight satellite phone therefore making it much more portable. Battery life may not be as good as the Immarsat IsatPhone 2 but it comes with so many more useful features. Iridium Extreme has much more coverage with an omni-directional antennae that increases chances of receiving calls compared to IsatPhone 2 which has a fold-out directional antenna that can only be used against clear skies toward the equator.

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